Personal Note about smiles

I was recently reminded of a thing I told a friend a long time ago. I was in a particularly good mood and a girl asked me what I couldn't stop smiling about. My mind paused for a second, trying to calculate all of the variables that had brought this inescapable smile to my lips, and, failing, left me with nothing to fall back on but a description.

"It's the sort of smile that starts briefly," I said, "but when you try to repress it, you find that you can't. It slowly expands, as though happiness refuses to be denied." Her eyes lit up with undeniable interest, and a slight glimmer of recognition begged me to go on. And when I did, I found that she was the first person I had ever encountered that had had a moment of pure happiness that they were willing to talk about. Mine occurred when I didn't get on a bus; hers occurred when she did. These types of conversations happen when you're 17.

I recently discovered another type of feeling, long since familiar, but never identified. It is a combination of the anticipation, anxiety, uncertainty and then resolution that both precedes and follows an important decision. The moment begins with the recognition that ones actions in the present moment will have consequences that radiate out into the future.

It continues into the growing awareness of the possibilities of action, generally options that have been previously thought out. I could do A and X would probably happen, or I could do B and Y might result. As the moment progresses, you have either selected an option beforehand or you recognize that action is needed and hope for the best, leading to a decision.

By a decision, I don't necessarily mean telling someone you'll do something. You can tell anyone everything and everyone anything. I mean the moment where you commit yourself irrevocably to a course of action. For example:

"I love you."
"I'll be there."
"You're right, Jack is a shitbag."
"I don't know, I've got nothing against Jack."
"I wish I could, but I can't make it."
"I'm sorry, I don't love you."

And once you're committed, the moment ends with the realization of the new course of action you're set upon. "Well, for better or worse, I'm doing X. Hope I thought it all through."

Experience has taught me that I have not, in fact, thought it all through. But I find myself enjoying those moments of action. Those seconds where life hinges on a word.

...

For what it's worth, I also enjoy those moments where people recognize something familiar in each other, be it a love of art, music, poetry, politics, beer, coffee, movies, sports, jokes, or some other form of common identity. Perhaps even smiles.

And, as always, I try to keep my ego in check, and offer something to those who have read this far and felt they have learned nothing.